Sibtain Hamid

Let’s go back to the time when I was in 9th standard, I was the naughtiest child of my parents, I did many mischiefs in school but with silence as I was afraid of the teacher as on that year a trend was running which was for every little thing teachers of our school shouted “parents calll”. In this age we meet a lot of temporary ones in our life but with a hope that they will stay forever and after . My mother always said that get a girl friend not a girlfriend because my mommy believed that a girl will always show you the right path and will stop me from going to a wrong path .. But on my aspect my mommy was wrong as when I met that girl , I will not take her name here, but it can be spelled as sooshi. I used to call her by this name.. We were in same school but never had a convo in junior classes. But God’s plan was different. We started talking in fb slowly slowly, the simple hi and hello turned to sharing our dark secrets. We started getting close, she shared her daily routine with me and I shared my daily with her. As the time passed class 10 started .We used to study science and maths in the same tution. Her sst and English tuition was just before the science tuition so I used to stand outside her 1st tuition everyday waiting for her to come and then walking with each other while going to the science tuition. I always ran without having my snacks because I always feared of losing a single moment which i can spend with her. She became a very important part of my life. Actually I am a boy who has always craved for attention and love starting from the home, my mother always said that my elder brother is weaker than me so that’s why they take care of him more, actually I have forgotten that when last time I hugged my mother. I am a child who has grown without sharing my problems with parents. But when she came I started sharing which was something very strange and new in my life, i started trusting and telling her my strength and my weakness. She was just like an angel for me whom i shared everything and thought to that she was everything for me. She always said that I am something after her parents. Yaa I know u all are thinking that I loved her but this is not only yours problem this was the problem of my friends also. She helped me in my studies. On the class 10th examinations we solved question papers on call. Her favorite subject was maths and she loved trigonometry more than anything. And that’s the chapter I hated most . After the results were out she was with me, supported me in my bad times . But after few days there was a drastic change in her behavior. She started changing, the girl started changing, the girl who tolerated all mybad habbits and tantrums was ready to leave me just for a line I said ” mujhe nahi karni tumse baat” . She blocked me from everywhere without giving any proper reason . I was once again left alone . And few months before only I started taking hookah(sheesha) she told me that I will leave, I will stop talking so I stopped taking that but in the day she left my friend called me and asked me to go to the hookah bar and then the girl who said I will not talk if u will take that . Turned me towards the addiction of that . It was once I again craved for everything. There was no one with whom I can share to the girl who was suppose to listen my every little things has now turn to a stranger. Again my world turned barren. I was depressed and left my old school and took admission in a new one . Till then I just loved taking hookah and was in depression for many days.

On the very first day of my school i was all alone new faces, new students , new buildings. I was considered as the most silent student for the 1st week. But after 3 days I saw a girl afraid of the new place afraid of the new people. With a tricky smile on her face. Confused and one thing she was the 1st Known face for me in that school, yes she was from Brs my old school finally I got someone with same fear and confusion face like me in that environment. She was Kashu one of my old mates from standard LKG we never talked after the class of us were separated but God’s plan was always different after 10 years of no conversation we met. One day I decided to start a conversation with her outside the school in her auto stand. And that continued to be a daily routine for me . And turned to a habbit. I started making stock of sentences with a stock of beautiful words that am. Going to spell tomorrow . While talking to her. I practiced it daily in school and home more than my maths sums. And whenever the time came to spell the sentence I practiced, I forgot all because her smiling face .. Actually whenever she smiled the 7 face of my turned to a heavens land . She kiwas just like a fairy who came just to light up my world . The long time of 24 hours without talking was just killing me from inside .. And then I understood that just talking in the school will not do . So one day I asked by that are you in any of the social media she said no. I became very upset but the spirit of meeting daily outside the school boosted me. I started hating saturday and Sundays as they were two wicked days without seeing her. One day she told me that she has made an account on insta. I couldn’t control my smile after listening and then she said the user name fire_snow_flake on my way to home I was continuously repeating her name in my mind and was not talking to anyone as if i forget. Finally when I reached home without opening the heavy bag i ran towards the phone and searched the name ya ya I got a girl in a pink top with pretty eyes in the dp. And it was she . Hi i typed and waited for the reply and my world was stucked on the notification sound of my phone . Then sharp at 3:17 the notification arrived on my lock screen then the most beautiful part of my life started. She replied with a hello but it was not just a hello for me . It was something out of the world. Then we started our unlimited conversation . Endless talks and it continued till 3 am . Till when our battery is not dead. 1st in color dress we met in one of our friends birthday in a restaurant. I ate less and focused more on her. Then we started chilling out in the cafe she also liked sheesha. It’ was 1st time she touched me while sitting on my back in my bike . I was very nervous but she was free . I remember she was wearing black dress on that day . And was looking perfect. And on that day only for the very first time I ate with her hand by the same spoon and by the same straw she had her coldrinks. As I was not eating anything. And on that day she had headache so when I dropped her to the housing. When she stepped down from the bike she put her head on my shoulder because of headache, and that was the time I felt something that’s love I think . And the most silent boy of the class turned to be a talkative one. I always used to listen from the school students that
her friend is very bad and is spoiling her also. But I always ignored because of her smile, as she was very happy whenever she was with her friend. I haved faced a lot of problem because of her friend, just because of her we didn’t talk about more than 1 months . I lost all the hopes and started remaining silent but one day again when I was in the cafe it was a winter day she entered with her few friends and then again I was hit by something very strong it was my uncontrollable feelings . I just can’t handle the situation her presence was just making me shiver . And the tears rollled out of my eyes, yaa I cried infront of my friends. On that day I decided once again we will talk, but this was impossible because of her friend, so one day I planned with her friends to make a party plan in cafe and then on that day the most egoistic and arrogant sibby forgot all this stuffs and his hand was joined just begging to her friend just to get kashu back. And that sibby is me only . That day I realized” ki ye Jo kambakht feeling ha ache ache ko gira sakti hai.” Actually after that also I faced many problems because of her friend but I don’t want to make this story detailing someone bad . After that we started talking late night chats, we used share everything about us our likes our dislikes, her future on that particular time my only target was to know more and more about her.. As she was the most favorite subject of mine, which was not even in my 11 th syllabus. My school friends started calling me by hers name, I looked angry by face but from inside” Dil me laddo phuta” when I recited there bf or gf’s name they said not to say but when they said Kashu I blushed and said “haan Meri hai” I tried many ways to confess but always my plans were flopped, as when she said bolo, I always made many of the proposing lines but all were not so good but one day I decided to propose, with my cutest line I made and I know that she also loved it and that was “hey do you have a pillow, she replied yes me- that pillow na which was with you when no one was there in your sad dreams in your dark nights I hope that it has abosorbed all your tears and pains, she said yes , me – can I replace it with my shoulder , inshort I confessed i love you, but she wanted time I remember I said these words more than 50 times, and one day it was Ramzan as usual I had the iftaar and did taraavi and was returning from the masjid I got a notification from her saying do you have a pillow, the flow of blood to my brain stopped and I was about to get unconscious I said yes , then the way i told more than 50 times she sad ones and that ones was more than infinite, I literally cried that day and the day was 14 may 2019, 9:37 pm . In the day of Ramzan I got my wish completed and was finally with her . On that time I thought that I can say now that she is mine ya she is mine. We started talking more and more our thoughts and wishes were shared to each other every day. The day I waited for from past 1years has came she is with me and I can proudly say her as she is mine. And regular fights also begin and it started because of me I was the type of person who was fond of affection and love I always wanted to be behaved as a kid from my girlfriend. Because of my past problems but she was not bit comfortable in this but slowly she started understanding me . Then by chance I got the chance to get connected to her family. She was late from the school and I was absent that day so her mother called me, after listening Aunty’s voice actually aunty is something awkward for me I have always said maa to her. So maa called me and asked about Karishma I knew that she was with her brother Deep, wait let me speak something about him he is one of my best buddy, he is guy with lineancy level infinite, he has always helped me in every aspect, you will know more about him in the story , yaa I was that when maa called me I was panicked and hesitated to talk, I cut the first call from her but then I thought that this is the time to hit ball out of the boundary and I called and talked her and thank God she was impressed. Then I became regular conversation partner with her, I used to go to her in my free times and. We talk endlessly, she was very fond my funny accent of Bengali,I still remember the Durga puja, i, Kashu and maa went to see the pandals all over the city and I was very happy that day, isn’t it daring and peaceful for heart knowing I am with my girlfriend’s mother. “Rithik Roshan hone ki feeling ati hai.” She was just a fairy for me who just came to light up my world with lights of happiness and joy . But the only thing she lacked was the thing for which I have craved all my life and that is expressing . She never shared on her own I always had to asked about her problems. She always tried to be a closed book . But for knowing her problems the person who has helped me is Deep, and after that I gave the solution’s for the problem and he did it. Keeping her secret a secret. Deep is one of the honest person I ever met a golden heart ab ye sunke Phul mat Jana. And this hiding things and not expressing is the main reason for our trust issues . Actual she never tried to understand, it’s my fault because I was not the man he deserved and my behavior and mentality doesn’t matched by her . One day she was high and called me saying, crying, giggling in a single voice . I understood that she has done some mischief so i quickly visited the place, she was behaving like a child that day, and the kashu I knew was something different from the one I was seeing . When she sat on the back of my scooty she was dancing here and there singing songs and that day she hold me tighter than ever . And said the line for which I always kill my ego and attitude, I always control my ager and the line was when I was looking at her eyes she said ” Sibtain agar Mai tumhe chorne bolu bhi na toh mat chorna merko gussa bohot ata hai but I love you more than anything.” That day I realise that I have got the permanent one. We have spent a lot of time with each other, we have seen all the movies in a row, I always wanted a girl with a childish nature and a relationship in which I will behave mature but I got the relationship just opposite in which am the kid and she is my mommy, but i know I became angry but I was never irritated by her this behavior. I always loved her presence and the peace I got with her will never get anywhere in this world full of rush . This continued fighting and loving each other. But the day she said that me or hookah I have to decide, was the day I got struck hard because it was impossible for me because of my past and that past is again repeating by my present which was this girl. And from that day I started lying and the trust started breaking, whenever she will read this tomorrow, day after tomorrow, after 1 month , after year or might be reading I just want to say I always lied to bring you back as the continuous going of yours just breaked me I tried many times of leaving but when you said to leave and you are only not there then what will I do I again repeated that . This was one of the biggest factor of our trust issues and for the crack between our feelings . And I always wanted to get indulge me in something but when your thought comes my world stops. We loved to fight with each other not just on chats but by hands too and I always won . And Inka badla humehsa gaari Mei niklti thi gudgudi se, she just loved it whenever she was at the back of mine bike she always thought herself as superior as she has the command of the world. I laughed the heck out of me when she did this. I always wanted to sit with holding hers hand in a closed room and wanted to confess everything which till last I couldn’t, actually I never got that time to confess because whenever she was me, I was in a different world . I faced lots of odds and difficulties but couldn’t say to her. And am still facing, I always wanted to say that you were most important person of my life , you are the most beautiful gift , you are the most needed one, when you go I start banging me to the walls . I leave eating, drinking. But Everytime I couldn’t said these things . Where am going let me finish this story. And this fight continued I always knew that she was wanting and was taking care of my health but whenever she left knowing that leaving her there is know one in this world . Where will I go to whom I will talk to whom I will share to whom I will love on that particular time I returned to thing she hated and that’s sheesha. I always tried of leaving her but I couldn’t do so, because it was very tough and hard . And the darkest part is that when someone leave all the bad stuffs of doing something comes in our mind . But at last I did , I jumped . But God saved me saying please die daily . When I was craving with pain I always wanted my mother to say no to my friends for meeting and calling. But momy recited everything and the news I wanted never to reach her actually reached. But who can stop my friends taking the sheesha pot they reached my home . And I had it hiding all my cramps and pains. I never lied that day and I also wanted to leave my breath but after that the lines of her on social media broked me I will not say anything of her last message but it was very terrible and terrifying lines it just made me cried and i think so you all will also not believe as my world thinks that my tears are also fake then what can I hope from others. I always wanted to confess everything actually many things but I didn’t had the guts to speak . On the night of shabebrat the most important days for the Muslim culture when the Allah listen every prayers of there child’s. I also who just lost the hope From everything tried to sit and prayed on namazz. After every prayer I recited the thing I don’t wanted to pray was that ” ya Allah mujhe uss harkat se dur kijiye jo meri Kashu ko nahi pasand aur iske dimaag Mei ye daaliye ke vo mujhe khone se darey mujhe pyaar uska gussa kamiye aur usse khush rakhiye uske maa baap ko Jo mere bhi hai.” But on that very I woke up for the Roza and I also had my namaz sitting because of the pain in my legs but that’s also lie I hope so you will take it as a lie . On the morning only I got a large message, and that day I used my mobile after 2 days . It was her leaving a bye bye note. And I slept without eating. It was sharp at 2:21. I want to confess that the two year spend with you was the best I lived . Ya but you were wrong no girl in this world can replace you, you were the last . And” tumhari pahli mohabbat honey ka malal nahi Mai tumhari akhri mohabbat banna chahta tha but yaha tum Meri ho akhri ho gayi” i always wanted to say that when you go Kya hota hai mere saath, I start going in a depression, want to indulge myself in any work but can’t do always wanted to stay away but each and every popup notification gives me the hope that you have came as I always wanted with a line Mai hoona let’s combat together and by staying and expressing you will leave,I believe haina appy (my name given by her) but this is going to be a dream line for me shayad humara sath yahi Tak ka tha remember na. And I just cry in the bathroom making no voice banging my hands and legs, this crying with no voice is more painful than crying and shouting. I always go and sit to the places were we visited together when we were with each other. I just hide my pains and tears infront of my mom as she is the one saying what happened beta . I always loved you and is still craving and I will love always. Because you were the best feeling I ever got, I loved your pure soul and the most loyal girl I ever met and will meet I was wrong in many aspects and this time I will accept . If bachey then I will love to say it again Do you have a pillow?

Author: Sibtain Hamid

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